Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
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He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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