How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
