Jerry, you need to find god
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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