My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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