literally had 100 drinks last night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
