Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
