Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
