So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
