____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
