I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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