did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
