Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
