you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
did i just pee glitter
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
