Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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