she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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