Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
