so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
