do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am available for nakedness
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