I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
