I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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