If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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