Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
