just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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