Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
