I faked an abortion last night.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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