Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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