We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
