I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
