I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
