i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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