I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Randomize
