Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
