those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
