Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
