Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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