someone threw a dead crab at me
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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