If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night