some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.