My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
