My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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