My sheets look like a crime scene.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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