You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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