I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
