tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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