I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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