Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We had sex on a dog bed..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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