I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
