does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
