even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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