i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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