I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
