I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize