he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
