...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
