i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
